


Ideation

by selenitebones



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Based on a Dream, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, please read the notes, the character is not castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 12:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16723518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selenitebones/pseuds/selenitebones
Summary: "I'm good," Sam's mouth affirmed, but his heart did not agree.





	Ideation

**Author's Note:**

> This entire drabble was based off of a dream I had last night, and I feel the need to explain some things. Normally, I would be concerned about spoilers, but this is a simple 811-word drabble; I'm not too concerned.
> 
> This is technically a self-insert! Since it was my dream, and I pictured myself in there, I'm using my name. Yes, I'm aware it's similar to Castiel (or, at least, a female version of him). No, this is not Castiel. It is me.
> 
> (Cassia is a type of cinnamon.)
> 
> The lead boy's coat is green simply because I remember it being so. I'm not sure if he was actually the leader or not, but it was only his coat that stuck out to me, so I defined him as the leader.
> 
> In the original dream, Sam does not have the knife with him. He gazes at the boys, then holds up an identical rock. I wasn't sure if anyone who read this would understand what I was implying, so I included Ruby's knife, since I'm pretty sure he still has it in s14.
> 
> This was only half of the dream I had! The other half involved Sam sitting on a couch, Castiel on one of those brown recliner chairs, and I went and sat on the floor, completely curled around his legs. He jumped slightly, and Cas smirked at me in a very un-Cas way, and due to that and just how adding this scene would take away from the entire feel of the drabble, I decided not to include it. Doesn't mean I can't share it here, though.

The frigid air around Cassia made her breath come out in white wisps. She buried her arms in her coat pockets, not feeling particularly warm at the moment. The silence around her was interrupted by a group of three boys, laughing and hollering, gripping rocks in their hands. One of the boys- the leader, she assumed, from his lively personality and his position in the front of the group -wore a dark green coat, zipped up to the middle of his chest. A small snowdrift fell to her right, dusting her cheeks with brisk powder.

The falling of the snowdrift made her turn to see a tall figure, standing, wrapped in layers of flannel. Sam Winchester waited, staring at the three boys who remained obnoxious in the cold, tossing the rocks at surrounding trees. More snow fluttered to the ground as each rock hit the trunks, the flurries sticking to the coats of the boys, flying into the air around them.

Cassia turned her whole body to Sam, his ears and nose red with frost, moving her stiff legs until she stood by his side. Snow dusted his hair and he exhaled, watching his breath spiral up into the air surrounding them. She couldn't tell if his eyes were rimmed with red or not, or if he was unusually tense beneath his coats. 

The two spoke in silence for a beat, then Cassia nudged Sam's elbow. "Hey," she greeted softly, eyes still trailing on the loud disturbances in front of them. Another heap of snow found its way down to the ground, a burst of wind blowing small flakes into their faces. Cassia opened her mouth slightly to feel the sting of cold against her tongue as Sam shook his head to dislodge the tiny specks of coldness. 

"Hey," Sam returned the greeting. He continued to stare straight ahead, not offering much conversation.

"How're you doing?" Cassia asked, studying his face. Sam had one of his 'masks' up, evident in a small twitch of his lips, the very fact that he was standing here, alone, in the freezing weather. 

"I'm good," Sam's mouth formed the words, but a small sniffle immediately afterwards contradicted his statement; his heart did not agree with his mouth. This was one of those times where both people knew something via unspoken admissions- 'I knew he knew, he knew I knew, and he knew that I knew that he knew.'

Cassia brought a gentle hand up to the middle of his back, ghosting her hand over his shoulder blades and attempting to offer support. She pressed into his back slightly, just barely there, and rubbed just a small bit. "I'm here for you," she spoke, tone low and reassuring, stable in a way that didn't happen often.

Sam sighed, leaning into her hand in a way that could only show the attention was welcome. His eyes lingered on the kids, now throwing rocks at each other. The kids laughed as the rocks hit them, bruises, no doubt, blooming under their skin. How beautiful it was, how beautiful _childhood_ was; where small, developing humans could play games involving pain that wouldn't send them on high alert. How wonderful it would be to play so carelessly, with no regard to their physical body.

"It's hard," Sam admitted, eyes drifting away from the group to settle on the ground in front of the two. "Everything's hard."

Cassia slid her hand down to Sam's waist, tightening her grip momentarily in a short side-hug. "I get what you mean."

Sam fiddled with something in his pocket, bringing it out to display it with his other hand. "Sometimes, I just wish everything could..." His words trailed off, eyes skimming the object. Cassia glanced to the group of boys, now hitting the rocks against their own chests and arms. They were still laughing as they abused their limbs. She turned her attention back to Sam. In his hands, he held a round, grey rock, and in the other, Ruby's knife.

Cassia used her other hand to knock the stone out of Sam's hand and pry the knife out of his grip. Both items fell to the ground, sounds muted by the snow they landed in, and Cassia used the hand she had pried the items out with to twine her fingers through Sam's. "That doesn't make anything better for anyone," she reminded him, fighting to keep her voice level. She felt her fingers twitch against her own before they came up to grip her own tightly. "You know this, Sam." Cassia rested her head on Sam's shoulder, feeling the shudder that ran through his body.

"I know," he offered, then the two stood in silence once more, the snow falling in flurries around them, as the boys followed their leader in the green coat to wreak havoc on their small little world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> Check out my [tumblr](https://reydishii.tumblr.com)!


End file.
